It’s made me want to write more. To document my every thought, feeling, and opinion on all the things that have been bothering me for the past few months. I’ve never been a big journal person. Not really. I’ve been known to buy a nicely bound book of blank pages, promising to fill them with my revelations and my emotions, but I never do. I let it sit, empty, in silence, learning nothing, feeling useless.
Well this time I’m not going to buy a fancy notebook or make promises I can’t keep. I’m just going to rely on myself and gather enough determination to make myself write now and in the future. Because I can’t fall asleep easily anymore when my mind won’t stop racing. Filled with questions I can’t answer. Making assumptions that were never real or true. Imagining situations that will never happen or ever change. So my determination is wanting to sleep again. But also wanting the ability to spend time alone without doubting myself and thinking too much. I can’t keep drowning out the images, the memories, the conversations, and the wondering with my headphones. It’s not enough.
So que my inner Carrie Bradshaw because the world needs to know that other people are wondering the same things and feeling the same insecurities as them. Or at least I do.
Anyways, so this will be my release for a while. Stay tuned.
I would have a pool to swim in on these hot summer days.
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. Go die. Idiot.
But don’t actually because I care too much about you. Which is why this sucks so much.
People come for advice, vent, or just plain bitch at…I’ve always been that guy. I don’t mind it at all though. I’d rather be that person for someone, especially if they have no other options. Being helpless is a horrible feeling and I want people to know I’m down to hear them out. I just keep shit in and forget it. That’s how I deal with my problems.
And start being my friend again.
I don’t like this new you and me.
It’s only going to make me hate you in the end.
I wrote to you in a letter
I don’t plan to ever send
Because no amount of written words
Could force this heart to mend.
It hurts to write those notes to you
Explaining just how I feel
Since I have tried so hard
To make this feel less real.
To pretend it will be alright
And pain is momentary
But I guess I have come to terms
That our friendship was more temporary.
Your eyes have grown colder
And my barriers seemed to allow
You a place inside my heart
And I can’t feel anything now.
Thank you for those summer days
And the evening walks through time
The ways you made me smile
Those hands that fitted mine.
Thank you for the memories
They’re comfort when I cry
It’s a shame that those same memories
Have become the reason why